Diagnosis - I have herpes

So.

This is fucking terrifying.

It is November 4th 2019, I am 22 years old and last week I got diagnosed with genital herpes.

Where to begin....

This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Not even because of the EXCRUCIATING pain that I have been in, but because of the mental and emotional trauma that this diagnosis has caused me. It is impossible to know how you contracted herpes as it can lay dormant in your body for weeks, months or even years but things like rough sex, menstruation or stress can trigger it to flare. About a week and a half ago I slept with someone and the sex was pretty rough and intense and.. low and behold.. a few days later I began getting some very strange symptoms. My groin began being very swollen and it started to hurt to pass urine. I was convinced it was just trauma due to the rough sex and maybe a UTI but as time went on and it kept getting worse I was getting more and more scared. I DID NOT for one second think it could be herpes. Because I began my period the area was genrally quite bloody and so when I looked myself I didn't see anything unusual.

Come last Thursday I was really stressing out as it hurt so much and I looked again and as my period had basically stopped I saw what I instantly knew was herpes. I was absolutely terrified and devastated. I felt sick and dirty and ashamed. I went to a walk in clinic on the Friday morning and got examined and she visually confirmed that it was herpes. I was sobbing uncontrollably the whole time and thank god the doctor was super lovely and calmed me down. She explained to me that 70% of the population have the virus its just that not everyone shows symptoms of it. She also explained that even though it is 'incurable' the phrase is pretty pointless as it only affects you periodically and has no long term health effects. There is medication you can take when it is about to flare up which reduces it to basically nothing and she made it clear that it will NEVER be as bad as it is right now. The first episode is always the worst.

Still - even after having this information given to me, I feel gross. My best friend has been absolutely incredible and after I told her about me she disclosed to me that she was diagnosed with HPV when we were 17 and so completely gets how I am feeling. She also put me in touch with one of her friends who also has herpes and is incredibly vocal about it which has been super helpful. My best friend just keeps reiterating to me that this doesn't change who I am or what I have to offer in any way whatsoever. It still feels like I am different though, it feels like I will never be the same person I was 1.5 weeks ago. I feel like I wont ever find someone who accepts me for having this & that I won't ever have a proper relationship again. It feels like I will be laughed at and looked down on (even though you can catch herpes WITH A CONDOM ON as it is spread through skin contact). It feels like my 20's, which should be about experimenting and having fun, has come to an end. I am incredible scared and nervous for what this is about to make me go through. I am so scared for having to tell a potential partner about it and being rejected for it. I am nervous to start having those conversations and not just being free and relaxed. I am scared about it all.

I am writing this because I think it will be invaluable for me to have somewhere to vent which no body reads or knows about. I need to be able to either turn this into a positive, by helping other people who go through it, or just let it become an indiscriminate bit of my life. I don't want to be laughed at or judged for this but I am sure I will be by certain people.

I know this is just the start of literally a life long journey of acceptance and empowerment from it but right now that feels like a far off dream.

I need to remind myself I am still Zoe. I still deserve everything I deserved last week and I will meet someone who will love and accept me for this. If i think about the future too much I get scared so I just need to focus on a day by day basis currently.

So.. here we are. Another obstacle to overcome.

Zoe x