So.
This is fucking terrifying.
It is November 4th 2019, I am 22 years old and last week I got diagnosed with genital herpes.
Where to begin....
This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Not even because of the EXCRUCIATING pain that I have been in, but because of the mental and emotional trauma that this diagnosis has caused me. It is impossible to know how you contracted herpes as it can lay dormant in your body for weeks, months or even years but things like rough sex, menstruation or stress can trigger it to flare. About a week and a half ago I slept with someone and the sex was pretty rough and intense and.. low and behold.. a few days later I began getting some very strange symptoms. My groin began being very swollen and it started to hurt to pass urine. I was convinced it was just trauma due to the rough sex and maybe a UTI but as time went on and it kept getting worse I was getting more and more scared. I DID NOT for one second think it could be herpes. Because I began my period the area was genrally quite bloody and so when I looked myself I didn't see anything unusual.
Come last Thursday I was really stressing out as it hurt so much and I looked again and as my period had basically stopped I saw what I instantly knew was herpes. I was absolutely terrified and devastated. I felt sick and dirty and ashamed. I went to a walk in clinic on the Friday morning and got examined and she visually confirmed that it was herpes. I was sobbing uncontrollably the whole time and thank god the doctor was super lovely and calmed me down. She explained to me that 70% of the population have the virus its just that not everyone shows symptoms of it. She also explained that even though it is 'incurable' the phrase is pretty pointless as it only affects you periodically and has no long term health effects. There is medication you can take when it is about to flare up which reduces it to basically nothing and she made it clear that it will NEVER be as bad as it is right now. The first episode is always the worst.
Still - even after having this information given to me, I feel gross. My best friend has been absolutely incredible and after I told her about me she disclosed to me that she was diagnosed with HPV when we were 17 and so completely gets how I am feeling. She also put me in touch with one of her friends who also has herpes and is incredibly vocal about it which has been super helpful. My best friend just keeps reiterating to me that this doesn't change who I am or what I have to offer in any way whatsoever. It still feels like I am different though, it feels like I will never be the same person I was 1.5 weeks ago. I feel like I wont ever find someone who accepts me for having this & that I won't ever have a proper relationship again. It feels like I will be laughed at and looked down on (even though you can catch herpes WITH A CONDOM ON as it is spread through skin contact). It feels like my 20's, which should be about experimenting and having fun, has come to an end. I am incredible scared and nervous for what this is about to make me go through. I am so scared for having to tell a potential partner about it and being rejected for it. I am nervous to start having those conversations and not just being free and relaxed. I am scared about it all.
I am writing this because I think it will be invaluable for me to have somewhere to vent which no body reads or knows about. I need to be able to either turn this into a positive, by helping other people who go through it, or just let it become an indiscriminate bit of my life. I don't want to be laughed at or judged for this but I am sure I will be by certain people.
I know this is just the start of literally a life long journey of acceptance and empowerment from it but right now that feels like a far off dream.
I need to remind myself I am still Zoe. I still deserve everything I deserved last week and I will meet someone who will love and accept me for this. If i think about the future too much I get scared so I just need to focus on a day by day basis currently.
So.. here we are. Another obstacle to overcome.
Zoe x
Monday, 4 November 2019
Tuesday, 11 September 2018
HEALTH - TSW (Topical Steroid Withdrawal).
Damn, TSW. Topical steroid withdrawal has plagued my life for over two years now, although it feels like sooo much longer. If you are reading this like WTF is that - read this http://www.itsan.org/.
I'm gonna try and explain what it is, in short and to the best accuracy I can. Topical steroids are prescribed to EVERYONE with eczema worldwide. They work by creating an immuno-suppresive reaction in your body which allows the the skin to heal, the redness to go away and you to forget about the patch of eczema. They are prescribed willy-nilly by doctors to children of all ages, and although recommended not to use long-term, it seems blindingly obvious that if you have eczema and have a cram in your house that gets rid of it (without any known side-effects told to you by the doctors) you are OBVIOUSLY going to use it.
Topical steroids work in several ways: firstly, they constrict your blood vessels in your skin in order to effectively 'blanche' the area, removing the red-colour. Secondly, they suppress your adrenal system in order to bring the reaction down, removing the skin irritation. They also put pressure on the kidneys and liver. I almost can't bring myself to explain it all here, as there is so much. But essentially by putting topical steroids onto your skin for prolonged amounts of time, the toxins enter your blood stream and poison you from the inside out. Not everyone will get addicted to steroids, and there is no real explanation why some people do and other people don't. But unfortunately I was one of the unlucky ones. After using them on patches of eczema my entire life, and then being prescribed oral steroids twice in 2016 WHILST going through the most stressful breakup of my life, I stopped taking them and began going through withdrawal.
My withdrawal was nowhere near as bad as some others, but it was still pretty horrifying. Once you stop giving your body the drug you immediately begin to go into withdrawal, which can last anywhere from 1-5 years, depending on the potency and length of usage of the steroid. You begin by going completely red, totally and utterly bright red, as your blood vessels can no longer constrict themselves and so all dialate. They slowly learn to constrict over time, but it took me about 4 months for the redness to go down, and even now i still suffer on my legs with redness. Your body also totally dehydrates, meaning your skin begins to crack and split ALL THE TIME, making moving and doing anything unbearable. Your skin begings to go through cycles of flaring, going bright burning red where your skin literally feels like it is on fire and you cant move, to then extreme shedding and flaking off of the skin and then the cycle restarts. Apparently it is your skin learning to be skin again. At the same time as this, it is very common to experience major thermoregulation issues (which i still suffer with) because the adrenals have been suppressed for so long. This results in me always being absolutely freezing and shivering, whilst also sweating. Hair thinning was a massive thing for me and so many others too, where your hair literally begins to fall out constantly. Edema is also common, where your body retains excess water because your so dehydrated, and so I experienced major swelling of my face and arms. It is honestly impossible to do anything because everything is so painful. All you can do is sit in the bath for hours. One of the grossest aspects of TSW was oozing, something I luckily only suffered with a bit. Oozing is the explained as - 'The ooze is lymphatic fluid. It is a gold color because of the enzymes and waste in it. What ever our bodies cannot flush out through urine and bowels it will flush out through the skin (and lungs with exhalation). The nitric oxide production in the skin which was once surpressed by the steroid now over produces and causes the skins water barrier breakdown, thus the lymph fluids spills out. As horrid as this process is it is a good thing. If it wasn't coming out your skin it would be collecting in your legs like a sac of liquid. As bizarre as it is for us, the body knows what it is doing and is slowly but surely correcting itself.'. Its pretty disgusting, but something everyone who experiences TSW goes through.
The whole process takes years to go through, for your whole body to detoxify and the red skin syndrome to heal. It is better explained here -
RSS or Red Skin Syndrome, also known as Topical Steroid Addiction (TSA) or Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW), is a debilitating condition that can arise from the use of topical steroids to treat a skin problem, such as eczema. RSS can also arise from topical steroid use in individuals with no prior skin condition; such as with cosmetic use for skin bleaching or to treat acne, or in the case of caregivers who neglect to wash their hands after applying topical steroids on someone else.
I'm gonna try and explain what it is, in short and to the best accuracy I can. Topical steroids are prescribed to EVERYONE with eczema worldwide. They work by creating an immuno-suppresive reaction in your body which allows the the skin to heal, the redness to go away and you to forget about the patch of eczema. They are prescribed willy-nilly by doctors to children of all ages, and although recommended not to use long-term, it seems blindingly obvious that if you have eczema and have a cram in your house that gets rid of it (without any known side-effects told to you by the doctors) you are OBVIOUSLY going to use it.
Topical steroids work in several ways: firstly, they constrict your blood vessels in your skin in order to effectively 'blanche' the area, removing the red-colour. Secondly, they suppress your adrenal system in order to bring the reaction down, removing the skin irritation. They also put pressure on the kidneys and liver. I almost can't bring myself to explain it all here, as there is so much. But essentially by putting topical steroids onto your skin for prolonged amounts of time, the toxins enter your blood stream and poison you from the inside out. Not everyone will get addicted to steroids, and there is no real explanation why some people do and other people don't. But unfortunately I was one of the unlucky ones. After using them on patches of eczema my entire life, and then being prescribed oral steroids twice in 2016 WHILST going through the most stressful breakup of my life, I stopped taking them and began going through withdrawal.
My withdrawal was nowhere near as bad as some others, but it was still pretty horrifying. Once you stop giving your body the drug you immediately begin to go into withdrawal, which can last anywhere from 1-5 years, depending on the potency and length of usage of the steroid. You begin by going completely red, totally and utterly bright red, as your blood vessels can no longer constrict themselves and so all dialate. They slowly learn to constrict over time, but it took me about 4 months for the redness to go down, and even now i still suffer on my legs with redness. Your body also totally dehydrates, meaning your skin begins to crack and split ALL THE TIME, making moving and doing anything unbearable. Your skin begings to go through cycles of flaring, going bright burning red where your skin literally feels like it is on fire and you cant move, to then extreme shedding and flaking off of the skin and then the cycle restarts. Apparently it is your skin learning to be skin again. At the same time as this, it is very common to experience major thermoregulation issues (which i still suffer with) because the adrenals have been suppressed for so long. This results in me always being absolutely freezing and shivering, whilst also sweating. Hair thinning was a massive thing for me and so many others too, where your hair literally begins to fall out constantly. Edema is also common, where your body retains excess water because your so dehydrated, and so I experienced major swelling of my face and arms. It is honestly impossible to do anything because everything is so painful. All you can do is sit in the bath for hours. One of the grossest aspects of TSW was oozing, something I luckily only suffered with a bit. Oozing is the explained as - 'The ooze is lymphatic fluid. It is a gold color because of the enzymes and waste in it. What ever our bodies cannot flush out through urine and bowels it will flush out through the skin (and lungs with exhalation). The nitric oxide production in the skin which was once surpressed by the steroid now over produces and causes the skins water barrier breakdown, thus the lymph fluids spills out. As horrid as this process is it is a good thing. If it wasn't coming out your skin it would be collecting in your legs like a sac of liquid. As bizarre as it is for us, the body knows what it is doing and is slowly but surely correcting itself.'. Its pretty disgusting, but something everyone who experiences TSW goes through.
The whole process takes years to go through, for your whole body to detoxify and the red skin syndrome to heal. It is better explained here -
RSS or Red Skin Syndrome, also known as Topical Steroid Addiction (TSA) or Topical Steroid Withdrawal (TSW), is a debilitating condition that can arise from the use of topical steroids to treat a skin problem, such as eczema. RSS can also arise from topical steroid use in individuals with no prior skin condition; such as with cosmetic use for skin bleaching or to treat acne, or in the case of caregivers who neglect to wash their hands after applying topical steroids on someone else.
Topical steroids are also called topical corticosteroids, glucocorticosteroids, and cortisone. They come in many different preparations including creams, ointments, oils, gels, and lotions. Some are sold over-the-counter; others require a doctor’s prescription.
RSS is characterized by red, itchy, burning skin that can appear after ceasing topical steroid treatments, or even between treatments. In RSS, topical steroids are effective for a period of time to treat the skin condition. As time passes, however, applying topical steroids results in less and less clearing. The original problem escalates as it spreads to other areas of the body. In the case of eczema, this “progression” is often mistaken for worsening eczema.
RSS is an iatrogenic condition, which means it is a condition caused inadvertently by a medical treatment. Not everyone who uses topical steroids will develop RSS. It is unclear why some individuals experience RSS secondary to topical steroid therapy and why others do not.
If i could give anyone ANY ADVICE... STAY AWAY FROM TOPICAL AND ORAL STEROIDS UNLESS 100% REQUIRED FOR A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION.
Love
Zoe
HEALTH - weight and body image.
Health has always meant a lot to me, sometimes in the wrong ways.
This all happened in 2010/2011, before social media really took off and so for that reason I am so GLAD that it happened then and i managed to avoid the extra pressure of health obsessed people on instagram and model bodies filling my timeline 24/7. However, this was back when Tumblr used to be a thing, and i would follow so many 'thinspo' blogs which encouraged me to eating nothing, drink loads and exercise even more. Thinking back it actually freaks me out so much how dangerously I was loosing weight. Initially it started off pretty healthily, but as soon as i discovered that I could just eat a bit less and the numbers would go down even faster, I was hooked. As someone with an addictive personality it was a dangerous path to go down, but at 13 I didn't know this about myself, and so it just went on. These blogs I would follow would show me pictures of hip bones and thigh gaps, all asking me 'would you rather eat pizza, or see your pelvis sticking out?'... shit like that. I would save hundreds of pictures of SKINNY girls on my computer, put them as my background on my phone as inspiration... it is crazy. Anyway... as time went on i got more and more obsessed, I became scared of eating more than 1000 calories a day & would write the number 1000 on my hand with biro everyday to remind myself. A full day of eating would go like this: i would wake up and eat an orange, go to school and have 2 more at lunch, come home and go to the gym where I would try and burn 100 calories per machine, then come back home and eat vegetables and whatever meat my mum made for dinner. And that was it.. everyday. Somedays I would AIM to be in net-calories. Following this, I then tried out being sick after food. The first week I did this after every meal I lost 5 pounds. I can't even explain how excited I was & so that continued. It got to the point that my form tutor pulled me out of class & asked me if I was ok, because I looked like shit and had no energy. I was exhausted ALL the time, so grumpy and was loosing considerable amounts of weight. They started to make me go to see the school nurse everyday Tuesday to get weighed and drink milk cos they thought I was deficient in loads of minerals etc. I remember once I was walking home from school with some friends and I told one of my friends that they were making me see the nurse cos they were worried about me, and he replied something like 'well your obviously not anorexic' whilst laughing. NOW this really resonates with me... just cos i was not 5 stone, it DID not mean i didn't have an eating disorder. I think thats a really common conception with ED's, its like you have to be skinny 'enough' to classify. Only my best friend knew bits and bobs about what was going on, and she was really really worried. Anyway, when I started this all i promised myself that on my birthday (June 12th) I would eat a slice of my birthday cake. Having started on Jan 6th 2011, after 6 months, somehow I literally snapped myself out of it on my birthday, and many of the habits stopped. I honestly dont know how I managed to do this, but it is something I am SO proud of myself for.
Growing up, I was always on the chubbier side and so when I was 13 and found out I was going to be moving schools the following year, I no longer wanted to be the fat funny friends and so decided to go on a diet. It was successful, I lost about 2 stone in 6 months taking me from a podgier person to a fairly small girl. Now, although this was a success for my levels of body fat, the way I lost the weight was incredibly unhealthy and left me terrible body image issues and eating habits which I still struggle with now.
This all happened in 2010/2011, before social media really took off and so for that reason I am so GLAD that it happened then and i managed to avoid the extra pressure of health obsessed people on instagram and model bodies filling my timeline 24/7. However, this was back when Tumblr used to be a thing, and i would follow so many 'thinspo' blogs which encouraged me to eating nothing, drink loads and exercise even more. Thinking back it actually freaks me out so much how dangerously I was loosing weight. Initially it started off pretty healthily, but as soon as i discovered that I could just eat a bit less and the numbers would go down even faster, I was hooked. As someone with an addictive personality it was a dangerous path to go down, but at 13 I didn't know this about myself, and so it just went on. These blogs I would follow would show me pictures of hip bones and thigh gaps, all asking me 'would you rather eat pizza, or see your pelvis sticking out?'... shit like that. I would save hundreds of pictures of SKINNY girls on my computer, put them as my background on my phone as inspiration... it is crazy. Anyway... as time went on i got more and more obsessed, I became scared of eating more than 1000 calories a day & would write the number 1000 on my hand with biro everyday to remind myself. A full day of eating would go like this: i would wake up and eat an orange, go to school and have 2 more at lunch, come home and go to the gym where I would try and burn 100 calories per machine, then come back home and eat vegetables and whatever meat my mum made for dinner. And that was it.. everyday. Somedays I would AIM to be in net-calories. Following this, I then tried out being sick after food. The first week I did this after every meal I lost 5 pounds. I can't even explain how excited I was & so that continued. It got to the point that my form tutor pulled me out of class & asked me if I was ok, because I looked like shit and had no energy. I was exhausted ALL the time, so grumpy and was loosing considerable amounts of weight. They started to make me go to see the school nurse everyday Tuesday to get weighed and drink milk cos they thought I was deficient in loads of minerals etc. I remember once I was walking home from school with some friends and I told one of my friends that they were making me see the nurse cos they were worried about me, and he replied something like 'well your obviously not anorexic' whilst laughing. NOW this really resonates with me... just cos i was not 5 stone, it DID not mean i didn't have an eating disorder. I think thats a really common conception with ED's, its like you have to be skinny 'enough' to classify. Only my best friend knew bits and bobs about what was going on, and she was really really worried. Anyway, when I started this all i promised myself that on my birthday (June 12th) I would eat a slice of my birthday cake. Having started on Jan 6th 2011, after 6 months, somehow I literally snapped myself out of it on my birthday, and many of the habits stopped. I honestly dont know how I managed to do this, but it is something I am SO proud of myself for.
Now, my mum also suffered with anorexia when she was a teenager too, and my grandma has pretty fucked up approaches to eating and her appearance, so I'm sure thats where most of it stems from for me. All of the really dangerous behaviors pretty much stopped from about 2011-2015. I moved to a new school and was still obsessed with my figure, always thinking I was fat and always wanting to change it, but never to such a massive degree (i think). The way that I viewed my body was very damaged, and I still harbor those thoughts about myself subconsciously now in many ways.
For me, eating is a means of control. When I feel happy, calm, stable and in control of my life, I do no feel the need to restrict my eating. I can just live my life and not worry so much about my food. It's interesting actually, because the first posts I wrote on this blog were written at a time of total and complete relapse for me. During the 3/4 of my first year at university, I would say many of the super dangerous eating habits came back. I was extremely lonely, isolated in my room, with nobody checking on me. My boyfriend at the time was aware of this stuff but obviously couldn't do anything / didn't know anything about what I was doing. He was also a massive part of why I was doing what I was doing too, although I didn't really know it at the time. I am sure that it all started again because I felt so unhappy and out of control at uni that food was something I could control to a tee, and so I clung on for dear life. It started with massive restriction, setting goals for myself to eat 2 meals a day (each about 400 cals) and nothing else. To walk 16000 steps a day and just burn as many calories as I could. I would say that in about 1 month I probably lost 1/2 a stone. The bad eating properly started after Christmas (where i had been at home for a month, had been super happy and so had eaten normally and probably gained a little bit..., but who the fuck doesn't over Christmas!!??). Anyway after going back, i know it was my ex's bday in Feb and we were all going out and so I wanted to loose the weight for that. So I dieted, and at around the end of jan/beginning of Feb i started being sick again. I literally remember on the weekend of his bday going out for dinner w his family, and I thought I'd eaten too much and so making myself sick in the toilets of the restaurant. It sounds so weird talking about it now. Now, the reason that I think my ex was part of the problem (but in no means his fault), I had started realising that he probably wasn't the right person for me. We had had a really intense relationship, he was deeply in love with me, and had spoken about marriage and the rest of our lives. I was 18, and knew it wasn't the right thing for me, and so I think I used the eating as a means of control because emotionally i felt totally out of control. It's the hardest thing being with someone who is so in love with you, and although you love too, its just not the same but the worst thing in the world is hurting them. So instead of facing the problem, I obsessed over food and my weight instead.
Now, 2 years on from all of this, a lot has changed. We broke up and since then I haven't had any properly bad eating times since. Having said that, I have been going through a different health problem (Which i will write another post about) since then (summer 2016), which has pretty much taken over any fears about weight etc. I am now a lot more interested in my HEALTH and not my physicality, but it still very hard. I have been vegetarian for about 2 years, and vegan for amounts of time within those 2 years. My weight has probably fluctuated by about 7lbs up and down since then, and it I still struggle with my body. I always find myself comparing myself to old pictures, where i am convinced i was smaller and skinnier etc. I am still trying to pin-point my eating, and work out what works for me and how I can be totally happy in my body. My current boyfriend is very encouraging of me, and we have both found that going to the gym really helps me.
As I'm writing this now, I feel OK about how I look. I don't love it, I don't hate it. I am constantly striving to be happier in my appearance, which is hard but I'm not sure is always a negative. Provided I can do it healthily. Since moving to California, I have been and am hoping to continue with my diet of almost totally vegan, with 1 cooked meal a day and lots of fruit and veg for the rest of the time. Having been diagnosed with PCOS in January, the weight-gaining aspect has really become apparent to me, and I definitely find it harder to lose wight then I used to. Which is why I'm even more set of doing this super healthily, to try and get my entire body in good shape instead of jut being the lowest weight possible. I still have major insecurities and body image problems to work through. I feel like I still place so much of my worth in my appearance, and although i no longer seek as much validation from males and other people, I still obsess over my looks all the time. I'm sure it'll come with time, and i'll learn to love my outward appearance as much as i love who I am as a person!! If I could give any advice to anyone who is struggling with food/eating, don't try and unpick the eating problem. It is just a symptom! Look at WHY you are doing what you are doing, why you feel the need to be in so much control of the food. Work on your inside first, and the outside will come with time.
I hope if you read this you enjoyed it & helps you to not make the same mistakes I did with my eating!!
Zoe xx
New start...
SO -
It has been over two years since I last wrote a post on here. SO much has changed... I can't quite believe it. Rewinding to my last couple of posts... 1. I'm no longer at uni, 2. I enjoyed uni WAY more into my second half of first year/second year & third year, 3. I'm no longer with the boyfriend I spoke about, 4. I now live in Los Angeles.
So much has gone on, I'm going to have to write a couple of blog posts explaining exactly what has happened since January 2016!!
I'm not sure why I always turn to blogging when I feel lonely, but I started this thing during a really rough patch at the beginning of university, when I was feeling super lonely and I think it gives me a sense of familiarity. It's like although I know nobody is actually going to read this, its quite comforting that they might (and allows me to get stuff off my chest!). The last two and a half years have been crazy, I graduated from uni with a 2:1, have fallen in love all over again, been through a pretty traumatic health condition, my parents have uprooted to California and about a month ago I moved here too. It's been pretty insane thinking back, and so the next few posts will be explaining all of those things. I think I want to start blogging again because i'm not very good at discussing how I feel with people, and so writing it down is a release for me. There are also a lot of things that I want to talk about that I really hope help others, especially with regards to my health problems, and I really wana make the most of my time here and document exactly what happens to me whilst I'm living state-side.
I'm intrigued to see where this goes!
Zoe x
It has been over two years since I last wrote a post on here. SO much has changed... I can't quite believe it. Rewinding to my last couple of posts... 1. I'm no longer at uni, 2. I enjoyed uni WAY more into my second half of first year/second year & third year, 3. I'm no longer with the boyfriend I spoke about, 4. I now live in Los Angeles.
So much has gone on, I'm going to have to write a couple of blog posts explaining exactly what has happened since January 2016!!
I'm not sure why I always turn to blogging when I feel lonely, but I started this thing during a really rough patch at the beginning of university, when I was feeling super lonely and I think it gives me a sense of familiarity. It's like although I know nobody is actually going to read this, its quite comforting that they might (and allows me to get stuff off my chest!). The last two and a half years have been crazy, I graduated from uni with a 2:1, have fallen in love all over again, been through a pretty traumatic health condition, my parents have uprooted to California and about a month ago I moved here too. It's been pretty insane thinking back, and so the next few posts will be explaining all of those things. I think I want to start blogging again because i'm not very good at discussing how I feel with people, and so writing it down is a release for me. There are also a lot of things that I want to talk about that I really hope help others, especially with regards to my health problems, and I really wana make the most of my time here and document exactly what happens to me whilst I'm living state-side.
I'm intrigued to see where this goes!
Zoe x
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
So...uni
So, I thought i'd followup with that 20 facts about me (so boring) with a little more about my experience of uni thus far.
I know me being in the second week of my second semester of my first year doesn't make me an expert on university life, but I feel like there is much to be said about it.
I had a very liberal upbringing, my mum is super duper relaxed and never stopped me from going out, coming back late or having boyfriends sleepover. Coming from this relaxed background, there wasn't the usual 'I can do whatever I want now' feeling for me when I came to uni, as I had done pretty much all of it before. Despite this, I was sooo excited to finally come to university and move out of my unbelievably busy house, have my own space and just do my own thing.
I started uni whilst I had been going out with my boyfriend for about 10 months, and although people think that this often impedes on the uni experience, for me it made things a whole lot easier. Through all of my life, I have always been the loud funny (not showing off) one, never had any problems getting on with people or making friends, just generally a sociable person. I assumed that coming here I would flourish, make tons of new friends who I would keep for the rest of my life and have a really great time. Although I do really like my flat mates, your put in a situation where it really is luck of the draw. At Manchester Uni anyway there are no forms to fill out or questionnaires that you answer to find people similar, so flat mates are randomly picked. It can go one of two ways, and I do feel like I have gotten lucky with my flat mates, but nonetheless I still am nowhere near as close with them as I thought I would be.
I have found university, so far, a very lonely experience. I have learned to love my own company, which is NOT a bad thing, but have also gone from an extrovert to an introvert. I am now far more aware of what I say, and often avoid social situations that I know I may feel the tiniest bit awkward in. I cannot blame this on my flatmates completely or really at all, as there were several other things that happened just before and during my first term that set me back a lot.
At sixth form, there had been a lot of changing of friendship groups, and I lost about 6 out of 8 friends who had been my best friends for the previous 5 years. I stayed close with one or two, and ended up in a friendship group, which I did love, with one of my old friends and 2 different people. However I did experience the whole 'best friend going off with another friend' and ended up feeling very isolated, always left out of things, which (not complaining again) made me a lot closer to my boyfriend. Of course when you are in a relationship you have to accept that you cannot go to everything, but I always thing that an invite is appreciated. I ended up not being invited on late night trips and nights out, which had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would.
Anyway, two of these girls came to uni with me, both at Manchester, with my oldest friend living in the flat opposite me. I had kind of hoped that this exclusion would stop here, and although it has a bit, I am not an integral part of their friendship group anymore, which has left me feeling kind of useless. It's like I cant bond with my flatmates, no longer have them and have struggled to make many friends on my course. I have two different best friends, but one of those is living back in Birmingham and the other at uni in Sheffield. As I had never experienced this before, I found it very hard to adjust to a far more lonely life here.
I cant deny that I love uni, because I do. I love the freedom I have, looking after myself, not having to answer to anyone (except my mum still of course haha) and just generally being a free spirit. I really enjoy the nights out I have, exploring a new town and creating my own life. The main thing that worries me is hearing about everyone else uni experiences, making life long friends, deciding what career to do etc. I have, thus far, done none of these things, and it makes me very worried thinking that I never will.
I just want to write this for anyone out there who is deciding on whether or not they want to go to university, deciding between catered or self-catered halls, or how far away to go from home. I have loved living in a self-catered flat as I have very bad relations with food, but I really would recommend catered halls, as they are far more sociable and i've heard it is a lot easier to make friends and meet people. I would also say to THINK CAREFULLY before committing to coming to uni, your going to be paying the debt off (up to £36 grand) for the rest of your life, it is not a decision to be made lightly. Don't just go, which I feel I did, because you think it is the right thing to do, or because your worried you'll never get a job without a degree. Yes of course degrees make a difference, but they are not compulsory. Your happiness is far more important, in my opinion, then your education. Having myself experienced points of such sadness since being here which I have never experienced before, make sure you think very carefully about going to University.
Although this story is of course my own, and everyone has different lives and friends I do think that a lot of people feel like this and will relate. University is such a wonderful thing, but you have to make sure it is 100% what you want. Of course doubts are normal, doubts about how to make friends or what you'll eat, not doubts about if you will actually be happy there.
I really hope this helps someone out there to make the right decision,
Bless up
Zoe x
I know me being in the second week of my second semester of my first year doesn't make me an expert on university life, but I feel like there is much to be said about it.
I had a very liberal upbringing, my mum is super duper relaxed and never stopped me from going out, coming back late or having boyfriends sleepover. Coming from this relaxed background, there wasn't the usual 'I can do whatever I want now' feeling for me when I came to uni, as I had done pretty much all of it before. Despite this, I was sooo excited to finally come to university and move out of my unbelievably busy house, have my own space and just do my own thing.
I started uni whilst I had been going out with my boyfriend for about 10 months, and although people think that this often impedes on the uni experience, for me it made things a whole lot easier. Through all of my life, I have always been the loud funny (not showing off) one, never had any problems getting on with people or making friends, just generally a sociable person. I assumed that coming here I would flourish, make tons of new friends who I would keep for the rest of my life and have a really great time. Although I do really like my flat mates, your put in a situation where it really is luck of the draw. At Manchester Uni anyway there are no forms to fill out or questionnaires that you answer to find people similar, so flat mates are randomly picked. It can go one of two ways, and I do feel like I have gotten lucky with my flat mates, but nonetheless I still am nowhere near as close with them as I thought I would be.
I have found university, so far, a very lonely experience. I have learned to love my own company, which is NOT a bad thing, but have also gone from an extrovert to an introvert. I am now far more aware of what I say, and often avoid social situations that I know I may feel the tiniest bit awkward in. I cannot blame this on my flatmates completely or really at all, as there were several other things that happened just before and during my first term that set me back a lot.
At sixth form, there had been a lot of changing of friendship groups, and I lost about 6 out of 8 friends who had been my best friends for the previous 5 years. I stayed close with one or two, and ended up in a friendship group, which I did love, with one of my old friends and 2 different people. However I did experience the whole 'best friend going off with another friend' and ended up feeling very isolated, always left out of things, which (not complaining again) made me a lot closer to my boyfriend. Of course when you are in a relationship you have to accept that you cannot go to everything, but I always thing that an invite is appreciated. I ended up not being invited on late night trips and nights out, which had a bigger effect on me than I thought it would.
Anyway, two of these girls came to uni with me, both at Manchester, with my oldest friend living in the flat opposite me. I had kind of hoped that this exclusion would stop here, and although it has a bit, I am not an integral part of their friendship group anymore, which has left me feeling kind of useless. It's like I cant bond with my flatmates, no longer have them and have struggled to make many friends on my course. I have two different best friends, but one of those is living back in Birmingham and the other at uni in Sheffield. As I had never experienced this before, I found it very hard to adjust to a far more lonely life here.
I cant deny that I love uni, because I do. I love the freedom I have, looking after myself, not having to answer to anyone (except my mum still of course haha) and just generally being a free spirit. I really enjoy the nights out I have, exploring a new town and creating my own life. The main thing that worries me is hearing about everyone else uni experiences, making life long friends, deciding what career to do etc. I have, thus far, done none of these things, and it makes me very worried thinking that I never will.
I just want to write this for anyone out there who is deciding on whether or not they want to go to university, deciding between catered or self-catered halls, or how far away to go from home. I have loved living in a self-catered flat as I have very bad relations with food, but I really would recommend catered halls, as they are far more sociable and i've heard it is a lot easier to make friends and meet people. I would also say to THINK CAREFULLY before committing to coming to uni, your going to be paying the debt off (up to £36 grand) for the rest of your life, it is not a decision to be made lightly. Don't just go, which I feel I did, because you think it is the right thing to do, or because your worried you'll never get a job without a degree. Yes of course degrees make a difference, but they are not compulsory. Your happiness is far more important, in my opinion, then your education. Having myself experienced points of such sadness since being here which I have never experienced before, make sure you think very carefully about going to University.
Although this story is of course my own, and everyone has different lives and friends I do think that a lot of people feel like this and will relate. University is such a wonderful thing, but you have to make sure it is 100% what you want. Of course doubts are normal, doubts about how to make friends or what you'll eat, not doubts about if you will actually be happy there.
I really hope this helps someone out there to make the right decision,
Bless up
Zoe x
Sunday, 24 January 2016
20 Facts About Me
So I thought I should probably start this whole blogging thing off by allowing whoever (if anyone) is reading this to know a bit more about me. Taking the totally generic route, I'm gonna give you 20 facts about me.. enjoy x
1. I've got a big heritage, I'm quarter German, quarter Pakistani, eighth Polish and Russian and one little quarter English! People however often mistake me for Greek or Cypriot, but no I'm just a very weird pic'n'mix of things
2. I used to live in Essex, then when my parents got divorced I moved to Birmingham with my mum, and now I am at the University of Manchester
3. My mum and step-dad are moving to California in the next year or two, Andrew, my step dad, is a math genius so has just accepted a position at the one and only Caltech. Despite this wonderful achievement, I cant help but focus on the holidays that will be coming up haha
4. Anthropology was not my initial choice of university course. I applied to study marketing and management and that was the plan up until results day, when I decided to listen to my friends and family who were telling me that marketing was NOT for me, and changed to anthropology which I am sooo thankful I did!
5. Despite knowing that I am a VERY outgoing person, making friends with almost everyone I meet, I have struggled more then I ever thought I would at university. This is another reason why I wanted to start this blog, not only to explore my fashion, but also because I know that if I had've read something about what university it REALLY like, I perhaps would've made different choices about coming
6. I am currently madly in love with someone who i've been with for over a year now - eek
7. I have a PATHOLOGICAL fear of little holes on a surface, like genuinely cannot look at them or even think about them ughh
8. I love clothes and style and want to explore this passion further in the next couple of years
9. I have quite a few issues with body image and self confidence, probably stemming from a major weight loss and eating problem I had in 2011 - I know it was a long time ago but things like that don't just go away
10. I am OBSESSED with the sun and tanning, I know its bad for me but I always feel so much better about myself when i'm all golden and glowy
11. My mum is 100% my best friend, I would do absolutely anything for her
12. I often get taken advantage of, maybe because sometimes i'm too much of a wimp to stand up for myself (boyfriend is forever telling me off for being like this)
13. I am hoping that in the future I can work with children in some way, possibly through teaching, children protection, or in the police department. I am a very very caring person and extremely maternal, looking after people is something I do very well
14. I am really really bad at telling anyone how I feel unless they force it out of me, regardless of the fact that I hate people who bottle their feelings up, I do this nearly all of the time. I have however got better in the last year
15. I get very easily affected by things, even the smallest of things will have a big impact on me, quite a sensitive person
16. I love music
17. One reason I do love my degree is because I am so intrigued by other cultures, why certain people act the way they do, why some customs are so bizarre in different places
18. I have the curliest most frizzy hair in the world
19. My grandma has been an of an on alcoholic since I was born and it has just made me respect and admire my mum even more through her hardships of dealing with my grandma
20. I really want to keep this blogging stuff up and not give up on it in 2 days time! However I do have an exam tomorrow morning so I need to stop now
Bless up,
Zoe x
1. I've got a big heritage, I'm quarter German, quarter Pakistani, eighth Polish and Russian and one little quarter English! People however often mistake me for Greek or Cypriot, but no I'm just a very weird pic'n'mix of things
2. I used to live in Essex, then when my parents got divorced I moved to Birmingham with my mum, and now I am at the University of Manchester
3. My mum and step-dad are moving to California in the next year or two, Andrew, my step dad, is a math genius so has just accepted a position at the one and only Caltech. Despite this wonderful achievement, I cant help but focus on the holidays that will be coming up haha
4. Anthropology was not my initial choice of university course. I applied to study marketing and management and that was the plan up until results day, when I decided to listen to my friends and family who were telling me that marketing was NOT for me, and changed to anthropology which I am sooo thankful I did!
5. Despite knowing that I am a VERY outgoing person, making friends with almost everyone I meet, I have struggled more then I ever thought I would at university. This is another reason why I wanted to start this blog, not only to explore my fashion, but also because I know that if I had've read something about what university it REALLY like, I perhaps would've made different choices about coming
6. I am currently madly in love with someone who i've been with for over a year now - eek
7. I have a PATHOLOGICAL fear of little holes on a surface, like genuinely cannot look at them or even think about them ughh
8. I love clothes and style and want to explore this passion further in the next couple of years
9. I have quite a few issues with body image and self confidence, probably stemming from a major weight loss and eating problem I had in 2011 - I know it was a long time ago but things like that don't just go away
10. I am OBSESSED with the sun and tanning, I know its bad for me but I always feel so much better about myself when i'm all golden and glowy
11. My mum is 100% my best friend, I would do absolutely anything for her
12. I often get taken advantage of, maybe because sometimes i'm too much of a wimp to stand up for myself (boyfriend is forever telling me off for being like this)
13. I am hoping that in the future I can work with children in some way, possibly through teaching, children protection, or in the police department. I am a very very caring person and extremely maternal, looking after people is something I do very well
14. I am really really bad at telling anyone how I feel unless they force it out of me, regardless of the fact that I hate people who bottle their feelings up, I do this nearly all of the time. I have however got better in the last year
15. I get very easily affected by things, even the smallest of things will have a big impact on me, quite a sensitive person
16. I love music
17. One reason I do love my degree is because I am so intrigued by other cultures, why certain people act the way they do, why some customs are so bizarre in different places
18. I have the curliest most frizzy hair in the world
19. My grandma has been an of an on alcoholic since I was born and it has just made me respect and admire my mum even more through her hardships of dealing with my grandma
20. I really want to keep this blogging stuff up and not give up on it in 2 days time! However I do have an exam tomorrow morning so I need to stop now
Bless up,
Zoe x
University
Hey, I'm Zoe and I've been reading blogs and watching youtube videos for the best part of 7 years now, which despite me being only 18, does make me feel a teeny bit old haha. Currently I'm in my second semester of my first year of uni studying Anthropology - an experience which has turned out to be very different to what I envisioned it would be like.
This is my first post on here so I'm not going to delve into my personal feelings and attitudes towards uni just yet, but I was inspired to make this blog to develop my personal style further, I want to try and explore my fashion and show how I personally wear clothes and what they mean to me. I do have a complicated relationship with my body, so clothes are a huge part of my life, I don't just buy excessive amounts because I'm a hoarder - well maybe a bit - but it is mainly because I have a perpetual feeling that nothing looks quite good enough on me.
Hopefully through starting this, I can learn to appreciate what I wear more and value what I do have, along with helping anyone else who is in a similar situation to me in terms of mixed feelings about uni.
Sorry this was a bit rambley, but I'm just getting started at this
Bless up,
Zoe x
This is my first post on here so I'm not going to delve into my personal feelings and attitudes towards uni just yet, but I was inspired to make this blog to develop my personal style further, I want to try and explore my fashion and show how I personally wear clothes and what they mean to me. I do have a complicated relationship with my body, so clothes are a huge part of my life, I don't just buy excessive amounts because I'm a hoarder - well maybe a bit - but it is mainly because I have a perpetual feeling that nothing looks quite good enough on me.
Hopefully through starting this, I can learn to appreciate what I wear more and value what I do have, along with helping anyone else who is in a similar situation to me in terms of mixed feelings about uni.
Sorry this was a bit rambley, but I'm just getting started at this
Bless up,
Zoe x
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